About me

Writing about yourself is difficult. I feel this particularly when writing a bio in the third person. The sentence starter: "Joshua is..." always feels like an attempt to describe myself with what I think an audience should value about me, which isn't a natural voice. 

So for the purpose of a more honest version of an 'about' page, I will write here as if explaining myself to myself.

Joshua John Smithe Headshot.jpg

I'm thoughtful

I listen much more than I talk. Being considerate is how I show affection in my relationships, and making an effort to understand people is how I develop empathy - which I think is important. 

 

Something I like about myself is that I pay attention. Being open to things around me and allowing my environment to affect me feels like the most important thing to my creativity. That is, letting things in. Because of this, I see sensitivity and creativity as the same thing.

My energy is focused on creation

I'm at my best when I'm making or imagining something new, and try to design my life around making this possible. Writing is my best expression of this. It makes me really happy to finish crafting an idea, or get a story across in a way that feels right. I can get really involved with what I'm working on - this website for example - and sometimes find it hard to switch off. When I feel in the flow of creation, there are few reasons to stop. Hunger usually does it.

I'm a slow thinker

Most of the things I come up with, or the solutions I find to problems, come from time spent looking inwards. This makes it important to set aside alone time. This isn't to say I don't benefit from and enjoy collaboration - my ideas and work will often develop further with others than what I could do myself - but it does mean I try to avoid overcommitting myself or being overly busy, so I can keep space available for myself. Being a slow thinker, time is tranquility. 

Nothing I believe is set in stone

I tend to avoid thinking about my personality as 'that's the way I am', because I can't expect to know what I'm capable of understanding in the future. My attitudes towards religion and spirituality are evolving. One thing I do believe is that our identity is managed by our surroundings, which can change with intention.

Sometimes I maintain control to a fault

I generally consider myself an independent person, though I've also seen how wearing that independence as a badge of honour - and trying to maintain that control - can prevent showing people my true self, which limits intimacy. When I fall prey to maintaining control I'm not asking for help, not expressing my emotions naturally, or letting my personal boundaries be infringed to avoid conflict. Part of overcoming this is trying to hear myself better and practice listening to my internal cues. I'm still working on achieving a better balance between thinking and feeling, and surrendering control when it's needed.

I don't have life goals anymore

I used to have a 'bucket list', like many people do. Not on paper, but in my head. For example, I wanted to do a marathon, an ironman, study overseas, write a novel or two. Though I found this painted a picture of life as a whole, where everything was something I wanted to do 'one day'. When I stopped thinking that way, and instead thought more about what decisions would actually serve a better life, I became better able to bring the important things forward.

Adding to this: It stresses me out to think in terms of life goals, because everything I want to do is something big. It means I put unnecessary pressure on what I can do each day to contribute to them. But big things are made of many small efforts, and I feel much more present when I think about the importance of those efforts instead.